All I…..

All I wish for you is for your days to be full of memories of our time together, the laughter, the smiles and good times.

All I yearn for you is during the nights, when you close your eyes, they are haunted by images of our passionate kisses and intimate embraces.

All I crave for you, is for your body to be parched, starved from missing my closeness, my smell , my touch.

All I hope for you is your soul to be clouded by regrets, the what if’s and the deep, saddening loss of our abrupt ending.

All I pray for you , is for your life to be overflowing with the happiness you refused to have with me.

 

The Struggle Of Having A Vagina!! Part 1

I am not here to say that having a penis isn’t difficult…..but I can not write about what I know nothing about.  I do however, know about the struggles of having a vagina just not emotionally, intellectually but physically as well. Sometimes we forget just how amazing a vagina is….and the struggles and extremes we go through having one.

Let’s just think about this statement…..let’s talk about the physical aspect of it all.  When you have a vagina you have to worry about your pH balance.  Yes!! A vagina has a pH level …..there is a whole vulvovaginal ecosystem inside of a vagina!! Which if you don’t watch what you wash yourself with, what type of underwear and clothes you wear, what kinds of medications or supplements you take, what type of food you eat and don’t forget that whole pee and clean down there after sex thing…..can seriously throw it all off balance!!! When it is thrown off balance you then have a whole range of other issues down there…..I’ll just say two words……Yeast Infection…..we will leave it at that….even though that is just one thing that can happen when the balance is off whack!!

Let’s talk about that thing that everyone cringes at….that time of the month.  Yes that amazing once in a month time where for five to seven days (that’s if you have a regular cycle) you feel  as if your life is being drained from you while taking your will to live along with it…..at times.  This time of the month brings about a whole other issue……what type of menstrual tools you use.  This includes carefully calculating the type of flow you have (are you going to have a heavy day?  Maybe regular?!) with the percentage of activity you will be doing (are we going to be walking a lot today?  Sitting? Maybe swimming?) while adding what type of clothes you will be wearing. (this is crucial!  You do NOT want to be wearing the wrong type of clothing because then you increase your chances of having an accident!!! Which we all despise!!  Once you figure out the answers to flow+activity/clothing=what kind of day-10% chance of accident……you then have the ultimate question……to pad or to tampon?  Both of these decisions then require a whole other equation!!!  Do you wear a sport Tampon? Do you wear the heavy or regular?  Do I wear extra long or regular?  Wings or no wings? DO YOU SEE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!!! 😱😱 Okay so let’s drop that subject but you are understanding what I am trying to get across!!!  And this is every month!!! Tell your body decide it’s going to go into menopause!!

Then there is…….Waxing……..need I say more!!! Women will go to extremes to meet what is socially acceptable of what a vagina should look like……so we will go get hot wax all over the very sensitive lower region……to which they put cloth or whatever else they use……to make ripping the hair from it’s follicle easier……yes…..it is painful!!! Yes!!! Many, Many women do this!!!!  Why???? Because it is something that must be done to ensure that we fit inside of what is “socially” acceptable for our vagina’s appearance.

Another physical aspect of having a vagina is going to your check ups.  Now I know guys have to go too but there is a big difference between getting your balls held while coughing , from having your legs spread for a total stranger to stick this uncomfortable tool (speculum) into your vagina so they can look inside of you while they scrape your vagina to ensure that you have no nasty or horribleness going on down there. (I am not complaining, I am grateful for these medical procedures because of how they can save a woman’s life…..but I just want to bring to light the lengths we have to go to have a vagina.)  So I am sorry if I don’t feel that getting a little squeeze and a cough is so hard!!  I mean even if we are talking about when the doctor checks the man’s colon..👆 in the butt hole…….I don’t know still doesn’t seem to be the same comparison.

Last but not least there is childbirth.   It’s okay people can roll their eyes but birthing a child is one of the biggest struggles of having a vagina.  I mean you have a whole person growing in it!!  Over nine months that life just get’s bigger and bigger….totally depending on you and your vagina to keep it safe and healthy.  There are the times filled with heartburn, sleepless nights, kicks to the ribs and feeling miserable because you feel as if you are as big as a house….but there are also the moments of joy. You feel that life growing inside of you, you can feel the baby move around, have the hiccups and the pure wonder of it all can be overwhelming.  Then there is the whole birthing situation.  I will not go into detail but it is exhausting, painful and at times feels as if your vagina will never be the same because it just pushed a 7 to 10 lb baby with a head the size of a watermelon out of it.  Just for your information…..it usually ends up just fine.

So here we are!  There are so many other physical issues of having a vagina!  I mean these are just a few that I’ve had experience in and know something about.  There are such things as losing your vagina, having a hysterectomy, which to me seems so traumatic!!  The sense of loss, the aftermath of what happens to a woman’s body after this huge loss, to me would be indescribable!!   But what I have come to realize is having a  vagina is bad ass!! A vagina is a complete gangster!!  I mean does a penis have a whole vulvovaginal ecosystem that for the most part regulates it’s self and stays healthy???  Does a penis have the capacity to incubate a whole life in it?  The answer is NO!! I mean being able to pee whip it out and pee where ever, when ever is cool…..but other then that? Eh……..These are just a few things that an amazing vagina can do!!!!  It is a struggle to have a vagina but it is an amazingly, awarding struggle.

Simple Words

     Since I was 13 yrs old, I have walked with death and loss.  There are so many people out there who have and I am sure like me….there are no words that can describe the feelings they feel.  The only time I’ve felt comfortable sharing my feelings have been with another person who has felt the same loss. Maybe it’s because you don’t have to go into detail.  You can talk about it and know that they understand the dark, depths of the simple words we use….They are gone…..I miss them everyday…. I have lost so much.  I wanted to write something for all the loved ones I’ve lost….something for my Grandparents…..for my Aunt…for my father and mother….for my dear sister….and for all the people out there who have lost someone who they loved.  So I came up with some simple words I’d like to share…

The time you spent upon this earth was so short, the years that passed were too few.

When I close my eyes I can glimpse the way your eyes would shine as you smiled. I can picture the way your face would radiate with your personality.

The memories of you bring the remnants of your voice, your laughter and the time we shared, the good and the bad.

There are so many moments when the thoughts of all that has been lost…..they smother me…..making it so hard to breathe.

I will never get to laugh and talk with you again….your physical presence in my life….stripped from me.

Life events that I wanted to be a part of…..permanently erased…….stolen by circumstances of life.

A deep sadness settles within my soul…..that there is no cure for…..only this temporary band-aid that never seems to stay put.

All I can do is move forward……holding your memory close…..taking with me all the lessons and memories you gave me.

All I can hope for….is that you know how much you meant to me and how much love I will always feel for you.

It doesn’t matter how much time passes……you will never be forgotten…..you have forever left your mark upon my soul.

 

Aftermath

How much would I give……to go back and NOT talk with you…..to not crave the sound of your voice…..to not fall for the way your words clouded my mind.

How much would I take…..to take back that connection…..to not fiend for your touch on my skin……or my soul.

There has to be nothing more freeing……..then to have our time together……..taken back…….to have it erased…….as easily as you have forgotten about it.

What will it take to move past you……to get up from the aftermath of what you have left of me?

Every minute of everyday I am wondering……..when will I be over you?

 

The Game

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Why does my heart hurt?  My eyes sting?  How could you walk away and give up so easily?

I always had to declare how I felt, you gave me no alternative, in the way you were always pushing me away.

I kept trying to break your walls, to waken you to see how incredible things could be.

It was pointless when you wanted to stay blind, it was like you wanted me to give up.

You made me feel wrong, flawed by labeling me whatever you needed too….to make it easier to move on from me.

All because I wanted more of your time….Never did I ask you for date nights, expensive trips or gifts.  All I asked for…..was you.

I didn’t place all my cards on the table.  I didn’t play all my hands because I didn’t know.

You played me like a game….a game I was unaware was being played…because for me it was something…..real.

You fooled me with words, actions….making me believe I was someone to you.

The joke was on me.

No Title

It covers me, an unshakable dust.

It’s all consuming fire, fills my lungs with it’s smoke.

Most of the time it is an ever reaching shadow, inside of my mind.

 

I fight to not look for it over my shoulder.

I try not to see it in peoples eyes.

I try not to assume it is lurking around every corner.

It is worse then being hurt, sad or even mad.

It is the one thing that haunts me as I try to move on.

You might catch a glimpse of it cross my face for a single second.

You might hear it tint my voice or an ounce of a minute.

 

Sometimes the amount of it I feel inside of myself becomes heavy……such a burden upon my heart.

Why can’t it leave me be?

Why do I keep finding it in people?

Why does it keep infecting my life?

 

 

Indifferent

The most dangerous time is the hours spent with  no distractions from myself or from my thoughts.

 

They haunt me….these thoughts of what’s come to pass….creating nameless, faceless ghost.

 

These apparitions live within me, taunting me at the fact that I am empty inside and numb on the outside.

 

There are days when I feel as if I am suffocating, gasping for a chance to feel….to breathe fresh air again.

 

My skin so cold, screams….it itches to feel again.

 

All this is kept inside of my being, hiding behind a smile….that I wear like a mask.

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To All The Men That I Sat At My Table With…..

I was scrolling through my social media one day and that saying, “I know what I bring to the table.” kept popping up in many forms.  It made me realize that I do know what I bring the table, however, I’ve been a rather horrible judge of character as to who I pulled that chair out for.  Their haven’t been many..but the few have left nothing but disappointment.

To the first man, I’ll call him Mr. Lesson…..you sat at my table for many years, with not really bringing anything to the table but lies, disappointment and negativity.  Why did I let you sit at my table for so long? One can only assume because I was naive with the assumption that it was what I was supposed to do.  You have taught me so many lessons about what not to have in my life and what I do want.  Those lessons are priceless.

To the second man, I will call him Mr. Convenient….you were a humble, old fashioned and a good father.  Our personalities were total opposite yet I still thought you were a man to sit at my table. It took me awhile to see that I was only around when it was convenient for you and that I was the one taking everything to the table when you weren’t bringing anything or even approaching it.  You disappeared several times and then tried to reappear acting as if nothing happened and when I told you I wasn’t a convenient store you disappeared forever.  It was a little hurtful but you never really put yourself at the table so I really couldn’t miss someone who was invisible.  Thank you Mr.Convenient, you taught me that not everyone deserves to have access to who I am.   

 

To the third man, I will call him Mr. Heartbreak…..you were different from the others, you were a breath of fresh air, we were both a hot mess, we both had a weird sense of humors and big personalities.  We could talk to each other without really saying a bunch of words, we were there for each other when bad things happened, we had a connection that was new and surprising for me.  I really thought you wanted to sit at my table, I truly felt that we had the same feelings for each other, but when you disappeared, even after I told you how I felt, I knew I was wrong.  Then you popped up again, with no explanation and when given the chance to sit down at my table, even when you knew I was going to pack it up and leave you chose to stand there, doing and saying nothing.  You let me walk away….this spoke to me more than any words ever could.  You taught me that you shouldn’t go all in with someone who isn’t willing to do the same.  That just because I was healed from my past hurts, doesn’t mean that you were. Maybe you weren’t ready for someone to want nothing from you but you.  That maybe you weren’t ready for the once in a lifetime relationship.  

Now here I am, sitting at my table alone.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I may very well never find the man who is willing to sit down at it with me and I am okay with that.  I am unwilling to settle for less then what I want and deserve.  I know what I bring to the table, it is something rare and amazing.

Life is Nothing but A Bunch of Boxes!

    About two years ago, I left the only home I had known for the last 40 years and moved 3000 miles across the United States. It was a scary move, but defiantly one I do NOT regret! I arrived at my new destination with some money in my pockets, my clothes and a few boxes.

     One day as I was sitting there going through the boxes I was sorting out my things and repacking. I sat back when I was done and looked at my life…..sitting in three brown, medium sized moving boxes. It was sort of a shock! I mean how can I have lived 40 years and put what I had felt was the most important in my life into three measly boxes?!! There in those boxes sat the few pictures that I had of family and friends, my important paperwork, some books and a few keepsakes. That was all I had? Out of all these years?

I started to think back to the few months before I had moved…..I had given away many of my things, had a large yard sale and sold most of my belongings. All the furniture, the nick knacks and the kitchen gadgets. Everything that had filled my home was all gone……And I realized now, that during that time I was giving and selling my things away, I had ignored the sadness of it all, because now it was there in my heart. These things, they had value to me because they were in my life for so many years….I mean just think about what your kitchen table could say about your life? What about some of those yard sale finds that you changed and created into something new.

     Then I started to remember the day I had went to my mother’s house a few months after she had passed away, my sister had told me to come and see if there was anything of my mother’s I wanted. I went into her room and looked around and sat on her bed with such a sadness. My heart hurt because my mom didn’t have much to call her own. She had her clothes and her books….that was all. She hadn’t really lived after my father died and her room was her world. Her world was books and hiding out from life. I remember thinking as I cried a little sitting on that bed, after all her years on this earth, she had left behind nothing. I felt so lonely for her, she had lived such a lonely life and I cried for her to have passed away the same way.

     But as I sat there staring at MY three, brown medium sized boxes full of the last 40 years of my life, I realized that my mom had left behind so much more than anything I could of stuffed inside of a box. I have all my memories of her, I have all the things she had taught me and those are so much more priceless then anything. So at that moment I decided to not feel sorry for those three brown boxes. I wasn’t going to mourn the things I had sold and given away. I decided that I was going to live my life, not hide out from the world, be who I am and leave behind a priceless legacy of memories and lessons learned.

At the end of the day life can be just a bunch of boxes…….if you let it be.

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Choosing Men Like Nail Polish???

 

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I’m not sure when this world changed and created such a hard environment to meet a person. Being newly single after 20 years of marriage to my high school sweetheart left me with this excited yet scary feeling!! I mean, I hadn’t been single since the 90’s and I had this misconception that things hadn’t changed so much!! Yes, you can laugh now at my stupidity because that was exactly what I was doing after a few months out there on the dating scene!! I was shocked to learn that we no longer meet a person the old way, you know at a store when you are shopping, maybe at a restaurant, or here’s an idea maybe when you are at the local mall or movie theater. Nope!!! These are no longer things that happen!! All that is required is a simple dating app! Yes my friends you download this app that instantly connects you to thousands of “single” people out there who are like you, (well we will assume this last statement), who are out there searching for a partner in this huge hot mess we call life!! So this app comes in many forms but the basics of them all are, you look at a few pictures, see the information that the person has provided and make a choice, you swipe right to like them and left to discard them(some have a like button with no swiping required). WOW! Right!!

     I was in deep thought one day and started to think we make many life choices on what we see, what we read on many apps, web sites, where we click and swipe away. We turn to such apps and websites to choose a new phone and plan, what about our car insurance and health insurance? We even do this for simple things like choosing shoes and even nail polish. For some reason I got stuck on nail polish, I am looking at the nail polish and what makes me click on it is the packaging, the color. I then read about how it is an amazing color that doesn’t chip easily. Yes!! Just what I need which then leads me to start imagining how the color would look on my nails…..but we all know that none of that matters because you are taking a gamble with everything when it comes to nail polish. It still might chip easily and the color could look like poop on your nails. Then it hit me……Am I choosing men in my life like nail polish?? Yes!! Yes I am!!

     I am looking at these men’s photos and making judgement on how they look. I then read the information they have provided. It is a gamble when you swipe right because of two simple facts, one, the man you swiped right on may swipe left on you and two, he may swipe right! Yes! You are screwed either way because we all know what happens when you are swiped right on….the games begin. The game of finding out if this person is who they had advertised themselves to be. Are they really however many years old? Do they really have a job or are they an “entrepreneur” (a.k.a unemployed)? Do they really have their own place or live with roommates(which roommates could be code for wife, ex-wife or their mother!)? That is first quarter of the game….then you hit the second quarter which is finding out if this person is really interested in you or just your vagina. So this is where we get a lot of red flags on the play…….because you will see a person’s true colors when you won’t send them naked pictures or talk dirty to them. There are the ones who get offended when they send you an unsolicited picture of their penis and you tell them not to contact you anymore. If you make it past the talking phase and meet up, you then have to see if you have a connection (also you meet up to make sure the person is who they say they are physically, many aren’t!)…..this is critical.

   I could write forever about the many quarters of the game but, the game goes on and on…….it is exhausting! It makes a person just not want to bother anymore!! Yes there are so many of us out there throwing in the towel because of all the energy that is required to get through the several quarters of the game….and of course their is the disappointment. Why do we want to add any more disappointment in our lives?? I feel I have enough of that in my life and don’t really need voluntarily add more! I find at the end of the day it was all a disappointment…..the nail polish does chip…rather rapidly. Oh and that color that I thought was so amazing and imagined would look spectacular on my nails….really didn’t. As for the choosing men in my life like my nail polish…..I’ve given it up….there are some things that shouldn’t be chosen over an app or website.